When Kids Are Struggling, It’s Usually Not What You Think

One thing I think about constantly — after years of working with kids and now raising four of my own — is that when a child is having a hard time, it’s usually not because they’re trying to ruin our day.

Often it’s because something is missing in the equation. Maybe they don’t yet have the skills to regulate frustration. Maybe they don’t know how to communicate what they need. Maybe transitions are hard. Maybe they’re just overwhelmed.

But kids rarely walk up and say, “Hi, I’m lacking emotional regulation skills right now.”

Instead it shows up as meltdowns that seem to come out of nowhere. Arguing over things that feel small to us. Shutting down. Flat-out refusing. Getting stuck and not being able to move forward.

The behavior we see is usually just the signal. And when we’re busy or stressed ourselves, it’s easy to react to the behavior instead of asking what might be underneath it.

Instead of asking “Why are they acting like this?” — try asking “What might this child need help with right now?”

That one shift — from reacting to wondering — changes everything. Not just for the child, but for us as parents too. Because when we slow down and look at behavior through that lens, we’re not just managing the moment. We’re helping kids build skills that carry them forward.

And honestly? That’s true for all kids. Not just kids who’ve been identified with something. Every child is still learning how to handle a world that can feel big and overwhelming and unpredictable.

They just need adults who are willing to pause long enough to see what’s really going on.